From: BroPaul [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org, SMTP:jesus.trinity.div/?resurrected=TRUE; ?father.trinity.div=TRUE; ?mail.human.gov=FALSE];
To: All Users (Galatia) [mailto:AllUsers@galatia.trinity.div]
Subject: RE: Eating lunch next to people with non-surgically-altered wangs
Hey whatsup everybody, I hope this message finds you feeling secure and relaxed in Papa’s embrace. I hope you are feeling the soul-peace of Jedi Master Jesus, who has set the human race free by injecting himself into our darkness, pain, and death. This was the mission given to him by his Papa, OUR Papa of boundless joy and strength forever.
Enough pleasantries. On to business:
I am SO pissed-off about what I am hearing about you — that you are abandoning reality, that you’ve given up on the gospel. WTF!?! You’ve turned your back on THE STORY of how Jesus has included us in his life with Papa in the Spirit. Instead you have cast yourself as a character in another story altogether, a story that ends in tragedy, a story that’s not even true! Some Used-Religion salesmen have come to sell you “gospel”-lemons about who you are and who God is, and YOU FRIGGIN BOUGHT IT!!!
It’s wonderful to have an open mind, but that doesn’t mean letting any old schmuck fill your brain with toxic waste. You know better than to ever let ANYONE do that. You know the gospel; you know it in your SOUL. Don’t you let anyone take that away from you, EVER. Even if I myself come to you and tell you things that contradict the gospel, do NOT listen to me. If a friggin ANGEL materializes in your midst and starts telling you lies while fanning you with his wings, don’t listen to him either. The gospel is the gospel, and that’s that.
If someone tries to convince you that you have to convince God to like you, do NOT let their delusion become yours. SCREW THAT….
[The above is the Shack Bible interpretive paraphrase of Galatians 1.1-9]