From: BroPaul [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org],
SMTP: Jesus.trinity.div/resurrected=TRUE; father.trinity.div=TRUE; mail.human.gov=FALSE];
To: All Users (Galatia) [mailto:AllUsers@galatia.trinity.div]
Subject: RE: Eating lunch next to people with non-surgically-altered wangs
(3) Hey guys, I hope this message finds you feeling secure and relaxed in our Papa’s warm embrace. I hope you are feeling the soul-peace of Master Jesus, (4) who has set the human race free by injecting himself into our darkness, pain, and death. This was the mission given to him by his Papa, (5) OUR Papa of boundless joy and strength forever.
(6) Okay, enough of pleasantries. On to business…
I am shocked at what I am hearing about you — that you are abandoning reality, that you’ve given up on the grace of Jesus. WTF!?! You’ve turned your back on The Story of how Jesus has included us in the Triune Life. Instead you have cast yourself as a character in another story altogether, (7) a story that ends in tragedy, a story that’s not even true! Religious hucksters have come and told you lies about who you are and who God is, and YOU BELIEVED THEM!!!
(8) How could you let this happen?!? It’s wonderful to have an open mind, but that doesn’t mean letting any ol’ schmuck fill your brain with toxic waste! You know better than to ever let ANYONE do that. You know the gospel; you know it in your SOUL. Don’t let anyone take that away from you, EVER. Even if I myself tried to contradict the gospel, do NOT listen to me! If a freakin’ ANGEL materializes in your midst and starts telling you lies, don’t listen to him either! (9) The gospel is the gospel, and that’s that. If someone tries to convince you that you have to earn Papa’s embrace, do NOT let their delusion become yours. SCREW THAT.
(10) I know these are harsher words than you are used to hearing from me, but right now I don’t care whether you like what I say or not. I’m not going to just tell you whatever you want to hear. If I cared what people thought of me, I’d have to serve someone other than Jesus.
(11) Guys, I want you to understand where I’m coming from, so I’m going to tell you the story of my journey with the gospel. (12) I received the gospel story not from any mere human storyteller, but from Master Jesus himself. (13) Of course you already know of my earlier life of militant religiosity. Back then, my whole life was jihad against the Jesus freaks. (14) I was a religious expert, head and shoulders above everyone. I was an “on fire” spirit-filled prayer warrior: “Gimme dat old-time re-lig-ion, it’s good e-nuff for me!” (15) But my Papa had different plans for me. Out of the sheer kindness of his great heart, he invited me onto a new journey with him. (16) He revealed his Son to me, so that I could tell the whole world about him.